Lessons in Forever

I hate myself for being a weakling, for submitting quietly to the wills of others even when I am at a disadvantage.
I practically wither the moment anyone's angry at me, shrinking within myself and cringing away from the source of that anger, then comes the heartfelt anger, the rage that I didn't do anything about it and the rage directed at the people who made me suffer so in the first place.
I hate it that I don't vocalise and the way I internalise everything.
I guess the simplest and most obvious solution to this would be to forgive and forget (or blow up and regret..later).
Ironically, I seem to have developed an extremely long memory and a diminished capacity for forgiveness.
Being the emotional masochist that I am, I guess the main reason why I don't forgive is just so that I can continue indulging in my perverse addiction, wrapping my heart around that ball of thorns and squeezing just for the sake of squeezing.
Suffering in silence has become a daily habit, "fuck you" - a new mantra hissed under my breath and a discrete finger sign are the only forms of "vengeance" I choose to exact on my tormentors. Petty with the markings of a coward but I guess that just what you get together with the whole weakling package...
I wonder if I can keep this up forever?
It wouldn't do anyone any good if I did decide that I am finally brave enough to look beyond the wrath of others and find an outlet for relief, least of all myself. Given that I have narcissistic tendencies, my needs at that point in time would always come first.
And to all who disagree I only have one thing to say,

Fuck you.