Saturday, September 02, 2006
Raelyn Lee has left the state.. yonder to faire Britanny is she bound.
I miss her already.
One of the greatest people in my life has left for another continent.
Standing there in the airport today I felt kinda lost. A good friend was leaving, one that I realised that I'd taken for granted at times, (infuriating though she might be at others) and I felt a little lost, a little sad, a little happy, a little empty, whatever. She was always there, be it for movies, window shopping, hanging out, drinking, supper and everything else. Everything is going to be so different without her here for the next two years. Physical presence aside, I think just the thought that she was around made it just.. okay.. somehow.
I feel... I realise don't know what I feel actually. A chirpy jappy song from one of my favourite animes is looping in the background on my iTunes (Houkiboushi by Younha - Bleach). Like it helps somehow, maybe it's holding everything together for the time being. Meaningless sounds thrown together in a catchy, happy, head-bopping tune distracting me from the sense of loss I should be feeling. I still feel it, vaguely.. then rest is just numb I guess, the closest word I can come up with at the moment. Or maybe I'm just being a cold-hearted bitch?
I was waving goodbye and THEN it struck me.
Most of my friends are in the UK studying and they have each other of there. It makes me actually reconsider doing my degree here. I start thinking, *Hmmm.. maaybe I can do it. Maybe if I actually think about it I CAN haul my ass overseas.*
Then when I actually DO start thinking about it, it scares me. The more I think about it, the scarier it becomes. There are a lot of factors tying me down here. I'm very attached to my family and my two cats. Many things frighten me. I hate being alone. Even in my own house, yes. I always want someone to be around, even if they aren't in the same room. I'm like my granny in that way I guess. I think the crux of my dilemma is the fact that I'm afraid of regret. I'm afraid that if I'm there and something happens to my family then I'll regret not being home. On the other hand if I'm here, I'm afraid I'll regret not going overseas. As the saying goes, you'll always regret the things you did not do. It's a very costly mistake to make in this case. If I were rich I'd have the option to fly back whenever I want to quit and there won't be repercussions.. at least not financially. I can't afford to pander to the fickleness of my Aquarian nature here.
Now I'm wondering if this desire to study overseas is simply a desire for a change of scene.. something that can be cured with a month-long holiday than a two year long attachment to an educational institute. I know I'll be missing out on the chance to experience so many things that I can't experience in the safety and comfort of home. Then I ask myself, do I really want to experience those things or is it just the other people and other voices in my head telling me that I should?
It's a tough call. One that I'll have to make. Soon... Which will be too soon for me before long. Listen to your heart people say, but what do I do when my heart is as hopelessly lost and running around in circles as I am?
I miss her already.
One of the greatest people in my life has left for another continent.
Standing there in the airport today I felt kinda lost. A good friend was leaving, one that I realised that I'd taken for granted at times, (infuriating though she might be at others) and I felt a little lost, a little sad, a little happy, a little empty, whatever. She was always there, be it for movies, window shopping, hanging out, drinking, supper and everything else. Everything is going to be so different without her here for the next two years. Physical presence aside, I think just the thought that she was around made it just.. okay.. somehow.
I feel... I realise don't know what I feel actually. A chirpy jappy song from one of my favourite animes is looping in the background on my iTunes (Houkiboushi by Younha - Bleach). Like it helps somehow, maybe it's holding everything together for the time being. Meaningless sounds thrown together in a catchy, happy, head-bopping tune distracting me from the sense of loss I should be feeling. I still feel it, vaguely.. then rest is just numb I guess, the closest word I can come up with at the moment. Or maybe I'm just being a cold-hearted bitch?
I was waving goodbye and THEN it struck me.
Most of my friends are in the UK studying and they have each other of there. It makes me actually reconsider doing my degree here. I start thinking, *Hmmm.. maaybe I can do it. Maybe if I actually think about it I CAN haul my ass overseas.*
Then when I actually DO start thinking about it, it scares me. The more I think about it, the scarier it becomes. There are a lot of factors tying me down here. I'm very attached to my family and my two cats. Many things frighten me. I hate being alone. Even in my own house, yes. I always want someone to be around, even if they aren't in the same room. I'm like my granny in that way I guess. I think the crux of my dilemma is the fact that I'm afraid of regret. I'm afraid that if I'm there and something happens to my family then I'll regret not being home. On the other hand if I'm here, I'm afraid I'll regret not going overseas. As the saying goes, you'll always regret the things you did not do. It's a very costly mistake to make in this case. If I were rich I'd have the option to fly back whenever I want to quit and there won't be repercussions.. at least not financially. I can't afford to pander to the fickleness of my Aquarian nature here.
Now I'm wondering if this desire to study overseas is simply a desire for a change of scene.. something that can be cured with a month-long holiday than a two year long attachment to an educational institute. I know I'll be missing out on the chance to experience so many things that I can't experience in the safety and comfort of home. Then I ask myself, do I really want to experience those things or is it just the other people and other voices in my head telling me that I should?
It's a tough call. One that I'll have to make. Soon... Which will be too soon for me before long. Listen to your heart people say, but what do I do when my heart is as hopelessly lost and running around in circles as I am?
Which Member of the Endless Are You?
Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com>
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Very High |
| Schizoid: | Moderate |
| Schizotypal: | Very High |
| Antisocial: | Moderate |
| Borderline: | Low |
| Histrionic: | High |
| Narcissistic: | High |
| Avoidant: | Very High |
| Dependent: | High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | High |
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information -- | |